Archive for April, 2011

oh for goodness sakes

All I really want is affection and to feel safe and secure and.. You know crap like that. Is that too much to ask for?

Hopeless Romantic

ROMANTIC-

Adjective

  1. belonging to or characteristic of Romanticism or the Romantic Movement in the arts; “romantic poetry” [syn: romanticistic, romanticist ]
  2. expressive of or exciting sexual love or romance; “her amatory affairs”, “amorous glances”, “a romantic adventure”, “a romantic moonlight ride” [syn: amatory, amorous ]
  3. not sensible about practical matters; idealistic and unrealistic; “as quixotic as a restoration of medieval knighthood”, “a romantic disregard for money”, “a wild-eyed dream of a world state” [syn: quixotic, wild-eyed ]

Noun

  1. a soulful or amorous idealist
  2. an artist of the Romantic Movement or someone influenced by Romanticism [syn: romanticist ]

Is it really so terrible? Because at times I feel like being a hopeless romantic sounds nice, but at the same time can be self destructive. I like holding hands- things like that, kiss hello, kiss good bye- but is that in any way needy? Just a thought.

I am almost sure all those things I like and crave only because I was deprived of it for so many years. I can say that the last relationship I was in I could count how many times I was even told I was loved or even missed. I never held hands, hardly got kisses…

It’s the things we are deprived of that we want the most.

shrugs-

And that’s all I really have to say about that.

I certainly haven’t said exactly what I’ve been trying to say.

Why can’t my strange little world come together? I’m a little shaky at times, and I’ll admit I usually take the easy way out but for the most part I’m pretty simple. Everything I want is simple. I’m the baby of the family, and a lot of what I know I took the liberty to learn. If there was an easy road growing up I clumsy walked along the least easiest obstacles to overcome. Be kind, there’s no better way to be. My childhood, teenage life went by pretty fast. There are things I am still learning to understand. I move along life in my own way. I have a system of my own just like everyone else. If conversation would clean my palate of all my memories I wouldn’t have color in my life.

I’d like to be fair, I am quite the handful.

out and about

Fortunately I’m able to press words from my phone when I’m out and about. Right now I’m experiencing hurt feelings. I was excited at one point for an eventful weekend, somewhat perhaps a special weekend.. Unfortunately to my surprise my expectations did not align with reality. I suppose sometimes it is beneficial to expect nothing at all, but my heart throbbed all week long and now I’m feeling more of an ache- :/ and its nothing new. I want to enjoy the rest of my saturday night so I’m going to have another drink and numb the bad thoughts away. Can’t wait for sweet dreams, my realities have not been just as sweet. Toodles.

almost time to say goodbye..

Vacation, ah, tonight is our last night to run in the sand, and enjoy the mix of cultures whom have traveled near and far to enjoy the paradise of Boracay, Philippines, one of the top 5 beach resorts in the world.

Today we had embarked on an adventure through caves, where we had to take a 30 minute boat ride to experience. The views, the people, everything about the experience was absolute. I came upon a wishing well- now, I don’t make wishes that benefit myself, that’s not how I believe wishes work… Spent the boat ride home contemplating my position in a world that’s not my own. I asked myself what my world could offer another individual, and what another persons world could offer me, would our worlds be able to collide and become one?

This entire trip my nephew has repeatedly asked me why it is I don’t have a family of my own… Hmm. I don’t know why, the stars haven’t had that in line for me at this moment, and I can’t say when my time will be right. I’m new to a lot of things, I grew up quite sheltered, and was definitely the late bloomer of the group. I become attached to people, and when they hurt- I hurt, when they’re smiling I feel a world of joy within me. I think although I have not pro created a family of my own that the people I have surrounded myself with is, in fact, my family. I’m not a lonely person in a great big world.

I have a lot I’m coming home to, a brilliant loving Dog, who by the way is going to be 2 years old April 3rd- a group of loving, caring, funny friends, and a home with a warm bed. I am very fortunate. I needed a vacation to remember how fortunate I truly am. I miss everyone so much, and I can’t wait to see the smiles I am used to and return to my normal repetitive work life. Ah, I will miss Paradise in Boracay, but I have my own world of Paradise to return too, and I’m lucky to say I have that much.